ONLY IN (adjective) OREGON

In June of 2007 a group of (plural noun) will gather in Portland, Oregon for the (adjective) Alternative Association of Newsweeklies Annual Convention. The very best in the field of (obscure porn genre) will gather to mingle with other (plural noun) in the field of (noun that includes the suffix “ism.”)

The hope is that we will all drink ourselves into a (adjective) stupor, and imagine ourselves to be (adjective) (name of former First Lady plural) in the middle of the (adjective) street at (time of early morning), (verb describing bodily function with attaching “ing.”), in true Portland fashion.

Of course, we don’t want to over-(verb).

It’s best after all, to play these events by (body part) instead of (ing-verb) every last (adjective) detail.

You need to know a few things before you get your (dangling extremity) to the (adjective) city. Portland is a place of (adjective) contradictions. We have the (superlative) (adjective) bookstore in the world. We also have more (body part) clubs per capita than (state where Mormons live) and (country where burkas are worn) and (name of 1980s child television star) put together. Perhaps this explains why we are rumored to have (adjective) quality of (noun) in the United (plural noun) of America.

Only in Oregon can you (verb) yourself silly at 10 am and hit the (appendage) by noon. Of course, you’ll mustn’t forget to (verb) your breakfast before (gerund) in the back of the (room of house) and wear your favorite (piece of protective athletic gear) to the (adjective) (jungle beast) club.

But no worries, you can always recuperate by (gerund) a steaming cup of (liquid) and eating a deep-fried (noun) to reciprocate any (adjective) damage you may have done to your (name of famous tele-evangelist) the night before. Doughnuts, however, will do nothing to kill (name of professional wrestlers) memories.

Only in Oregon can you also (blank) yourself silly, without (ing verb) your (institution) account. But be careful. You may end up (ing verb) in other (plural noun). But that’s your own (adjective) fault.

You’ve been (passive aggressive adverb) warned.

All the (blank),

Byron Beck
Convention Chair